The cold and snow finally descending upon New England this January and with it came a wave of melancholy I've been struggling to drag myself out of. I've spent far too many Saturdays and Sundays lately lying on my couch, watching episodes of Friday Night Lights and feeling that moving was more energy than I had. And, truth be known, feeling pretty hopeless.
Shortly after my optimistic thoughts on the New Year here, I began to feel a sense of wanderlust, discontentment, and confusion about the future. I feel trapped in the city without a trusty car nearby. I don't like my job, I don’t know what's next, and amidst several friends moving on to bigger and better things after a stint in Boston I feel a little directionless and left behind.
The Sunday after Blizzard Nemo (come on weather people, really?) ripped through my city, this all came to a head as I stood in front of a selection of steak at Trader Joe's thinking some iron would solve my problems. Cuz' you know, maybe I was anemic, right?
I wasn't anemic, I was depressed.
I've struggled with depression before, the worst when I was jobless and feeling lost shortly after graduating college. And just as now, spent a lot of time watching dramatic TV and dreaming of a different life. (You know, since that's really helpful)
The naming of these feeling, though, has brought me hope. I am someone who believes wholly in God and the gift of salvation He has given me. And I believe He is also a God who wants to know deeply those who follow Him. So that Sunday and in these following my realization, I've asked Him for help. Through the encouragement and prayers of sweet and loving friends, He has affirmed that my life has direction and meaning. Through the unexpected request of a woman at the office to make some treats for her niece's bachelorette party He has reminded me the gifts and dreams I have are not useless or unseen. And through spending time reading my Bible, He has reminded me that he wants my whole heart even when I feel tired and discouraged and far from His love.
" For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29: 11-14
I believe that there is a God who lives and who longs to know me deeply and speak to me of his purpose for me. So I am choosing to seek Him with all my heart as He asks, even though I don't "feel" like it. Because He promised me He will answer and, in the desperate moments of my winter, He has.
Post edit: Mostly, I fail to talk about my faith on this blog. I've decided to change that, it's such a big part of who I am, it's a wonder I've left it out of my writing until now. It took me a long time to write this post as I wondered how to best talk about the things I believe without being confusing! If you're wondering about this sudden appearance of God in my blogging, you can always talk to me about it here: katydidwhatblog@gmail.com
Awesome
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